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Baldric-Man! and the Discovery of the Baldrina-Woman! March 11, 2009

Posted by baldricman in Baldric-Man.
Tags: , , , , , ,

Found this old thing from a few years ago, and thought I’d post it (as per request of an old friend…)

The Incredible Adventures of Baldric-Man!

Watch! As our mighty hero smoothly slides towards his victim, his flashy smile only slightly more noticeable than his bulging pectorals and buns o’ steel. The kitchen counter groans and creaks under the weight of his well-built arm, as he leans against it oh so casually. His taut body rests, straight as an arrow, at 45 degrees to the counter. Quick as a spider on caffeine, his soft yet manly hands flick back the dark locks from his brow, just before the prey turns and catches his eye.

He winks.
What a hunk! What a dude! His keen 7th sense picks up the quiet gasp from his quarry. He steels himself for just a moment, before unleashing his secret weapon!
“Soooo, baby…. what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” he says, oozing charm and confidence. The tension is thick in the air, as Baldric-Man! braces himself for the girl to throw herself at him…
“Actually, you invited me here” the blonde replies coolly. Somewhere near the super hero, the faintest utterance of “bugger” can be heard.

BUT!! Our manly man rallies on, impervious to retort and not ready to give up!
“Gorgeous, ” he says, “how about, you, me, a bottle of wine…”
“Er, movie?”
“Um, helping me out at the homeless shelter?”
“Not gonna happen buster.”

Baldric-Man! begins sweating, and the purple dye of his lycra starts to run.

“I have lots of money, and a Ferarri?”
“That doesn’t seem likely”
“Ok then! Fine! I have an old rusty jalopy! Happy?!?” explodes our man in frustration. A faint smile crosses her lips.
“Oooooh, really?” Baldric-Man! leaps back into the game, alert as always to those subtle clues that lesser men would miss!
“That’s right honey, wanna go for a ride?”
“Oooooh yes!” she says, giggling.
“Then it’s settled!” our hero proclaims!
“From this day forth, I shall call you…..” (insert FANFARE here) “Baldrina-Woman!”

And that, dear fans, is the story of how Baldric-Man! and Baldrina-Woman! met. To this day, they still battle the evil forces of Work, across the universe.

Stay tuned folks, for another exciting, thrilling, action-packed episode of

The Incredible Adventures of Baldric-Man!!!

Ed’s note: It is with sadness I point out that the Baldric-Mobile! has since been sold, but was fortunately replaced with the upgraded model, the Baldric-Another-Mobile!


1. Ryan - March 11, 2009

*the purple dye of his lycra starts to run* WAAAHAHAHA! How much does Baldric-Man! sweat???

baldricman - March 11, 2009

How much does Baldric-Man! sweat?? Dear friend, he sweats like a damn champion! Indeed, ‘sweat’ is not the word. Nay, he gushes I tell ya! Gushes!!

2. Deems - March 11, 2009

LOL when I read that same part I was thinking of a tie-dyed shirt with muscles protruding and for the rest of the story all I could picture was old Vernon 🙂

baldricman - March 11, 2009

Pah! Baldric-Man! sprinkles Vernons on his fruit-loops.

*Ahem* not that he eats fruit-loops, of course….

Deems - March 11, 2009


3. neil - March 11, 2009

What an Incredible Adventure in the kitchen Baldric-Man! I take it the Baldric-Man does not venture out into the world much since he experiences “adventures” in the confines of a kitchen – Baldric-Man you need to get out more!

baldricman - March 12, 2009

I’ll have you know, Baldric-Man! only once (and most bravely) ventured into the dark realms of “Kitchen”, as chronicled in the epic above.
Oh wait, there was that one time when Baldrina-Woman! was away for 2 days: Maddened with rage and weak with hunger, Baldric-Man! had to venture forth once more (in near delirium) to find the pizza takeaway menu…
It was a dark, dark day indeed.

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